Starting Over

I was that girl today that cried in yoga class. I don't think anyone saw me, but I was very grateful for the towel the instructor placed over our eyes at the end just the same. 

This is why yoga is like nothing else. If I had been on the elliptical machine or lifting weights, I wouldn't have teared up. Practicing yoga takes us to such a vulnerable state if we let it. That's a scary place for most of us to go, which is exactly why we need conduits like yoga to help us get there. 

My fitness game, yoga included, has been dialed way back for a while. I don't like the way that feels. I'm used to being active and I can feel and see my body changing and I don't feel as strong as I used to be. Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with spondyloarthitis, which is a chronic form of arthritis that attacks the spine, hips and also the connective tissues, also causing inflammation and swelling around my tendons and ligaments, which in turn leads to chronic issues with tissue spasms. Long story short, anyway. Looking back at that description, it's hard to believe that's the short version, but I'm learning that it is. 

I'm a fitness professional. I'm a personal trainer and a yoga teacher and a Pilates instructor... this is what I do. It's a huge part of my identity and my life. Having a body that doesn't work the way I always want it to while trying to live this kind of life is incredibly frustrating. Now that I have a diagnosis and have started treatments, I can see some small improvements, but I have a long road ahead of me, which I was reminded of today in yoga class. My back started to spasm around a quarter through the class and I was abruptly reminded that my body, where it is today, can not swing through poses effortlessly like my body from six years ago could. 

I saw myself in the mirror and then I saw the previous version of myself in my head and suddenly I felt like I didn't recognize myself. Whose body was this that couldn't keep up the way I wanted it to? I'm sure so many people feel this way as they age or go through traumas or recover from injuries. I have a new empathy for those people, as I can truthfully say I took my healthier body for granted. I also realize that if someone was in that class, trying yoga for the first time, they probably looked at me and thought I was pretty awesome. It just goes to show that we all have our own perspectives and are walking our own unique paths. 

Today, I was forced to realize that I am on a journey to learn a new kind of patience, kindness and forgiveness towards myself. This body has been pretty damn good to me so far and it deserves for me to cut it some slack while we learn to navigate these new waters together. I'm going to have to start re-approaching things that I used to be able to do so easily with a beginner's mindset and learn to ease my way back, hopefully to where I once was. But I'm going to have to do it one day at a time. One step at a time. One yoga class at a time. And that's totally ok. While physically, I'm having to relearn some things, I now have a more developed awareness and knowledge about how my body works than I used to, which is so incredibly valuable and something that this experience has given me. 

Everything we go through is either a blessing or a lesson and lessons are blessings in themselves. So here's to growing through what we go through, being patient and kind to ourselves, and viewing life through the beautiful, hopeful eyes of a beginner all over again.